I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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