I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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