You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
