I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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