She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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