She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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