I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
