She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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