I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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