I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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