i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
