she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize