he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
