that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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