the new term for farting is butt boxing.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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