someone get that fucking seahorse.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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