I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
