just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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