We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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