if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
did i just pee glitter
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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