how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
