What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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