So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
