I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
