Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
