Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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