it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
