I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
