Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I understand Curling. That high.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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