not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
