can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
