wake up i wanna do it froggy style
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
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