Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
