I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
