true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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