My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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