you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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