I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
