Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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