around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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