This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
