he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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