If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity