Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.