Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.