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It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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