Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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