I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
