it hurts more in the daytime
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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