she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
sex in a hospital.. check
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
