Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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