why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
