WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
