So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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