Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
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Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
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Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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