if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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