Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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