I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Only a mothe r could love this liver
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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