My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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