he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
