R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
