Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she was so not down for the gang bang
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
