I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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